Stickin' it to the man...

I am the type of person who often finds inspiration in Nature and I feel that there are definitely times where Nature provides a certain outstanding situation that absolutely demands our attention and perhaps provides us with an example as to what we should do. This is just such an occassion:



That's right man, rise up, fight the power.

About that last post...

Ok, smugmug is cool with me, they didn't lose my stuff. Enjoy your day.

Blog temporarily pictureless and unattractive...sorry about that!

Sorry about the pictures everybody. I went to check out my smugmug site earlier and their servers are apparently down for maintenance. That means, my blog has approximately 3 pictures that work at the moment. Of course, if you are reading this and a little picture of my handsome mug is smirking playfully at you from the right side of the screen, disregard this posting completely. I really hope that smugmug doesn't lose any of my stuff because that is a lot of photography to repost. Since I signed up for the service (which I highly recommend for everyone looking for a fairly cheap way to post their pictures online) I have taken about 4GB worth of pictures. For $30 a year, you get unlimited storage space and a lot of bandwidth so lots of people can view your stuff. Anyway, I didn't mean for this to turn into an advertisement and I will most definitely remove this little posting if they happen to lose all my stuff. Ok, I am going back to listening to three very silly and very stressed girls study for their chemistry lab practical. Man, I'm really living the good life here in Malibu. Thanks for stopping by.

Back in the 'Bu

Ahhh....what a feeling. I am sitting in the Sandbar (our student computer/mail/TV/snack center) at our Malibu campus and absolutely loving every minute of my being here. I am sleeping on a hard, thinly carpeted floor with a military issue sleeping mat and a regular old sleeping bag for a bed but I am more than happy to sleep there if it means that I get to be here. Ok, well my favorite person in the world just walked up and I am going to go hang out with her now. Talk to you guys later. Peace.

3 More Days...

Well hello there ladies and gentlemen. Things are buzzing in the London house; packing has begun; last minute paper-writing is taking place; people are getting both excited and a little sad. I personally feel just a little bit more than a whole heck of a lot of relief. I am really going to miss this house, both the building and the people that I have shared it with over the last two semesters, but I have to admit I can't find it in me to get sad. I just feel like there is so much more awaiting me in Malibu than there is for me here. I mean, this experience has been great and it taught me a lot, challenged me, tested me, but it also tried my patience at times, and it put a huge strain on my relationships with some very important people back in the States.

Before I came here I had it clear in my head who the most important people in my life were and I mainly concerned myself with them and their happiness. I came over here and knew that I couldn't be a part of that happiness and that I had no real connection with any of them anymore. That really sucked, to be quite honest. My friends here, try as they might, just couldn't fill that void and certainly couldn't take their places. I felt like I left myself there with those people that meant the most to me. Both luckily and unfortunately, I realized that I was here, but my heart wasn't. There was a moment that it hit me that I came over here and found out exactly where I needed to be and who I needed to be with because of the emptiness that existed inside of me. It is really nice to know you have the kind of love and support that I had, have, and will continue to have. I just can't explain the feeling. It is just peaceful knowing that there's happiness and fun ahead. I am SO ready to be back. I may just post another one of these tomorrow. I just feel like I want to tell everyone in the world that I get to go HOME! Whew, ok, I feel a little better now. If only there were some way to make time go faster....

I'm Baaaaaaaack!

So, in the wee hours of the morning I was having a chat with someone very special to me about being me. This wasn't a conceited, self-centered, ego inflating conversation--this was not even close. This particular conversation was actually very humbling and made me think really hard about a lot of things. I came to London intent on really being Dap and loving every minute of it. I soon decided that I was going to grow a full beard and not shave my head until the end of the semester. The result was a big gnarly lumberjack beard and a 'fro reminiscent of the 70s. These were great and all but at one point during the semester, right before spring break, I decided that something wasn't right. I felt like i was in some way kidding myself, not being real to who I am. I decided right then and there to shave my beard. To be honest with you, I felt a lot better about my situation and who I was.

I went for a few weeks with that look before finally having this chat. In the conversation, I told this person to be real to who they were and just be themselves. I know this all sounds really cliche but I don't care. I told this person to just be who they were and things would make a lot more sense in the end. It is easier to think and to exist in general when you are just being you. After this talk, I got that almost sick feeling in my stomach again. This was a feeling similar to guilt, similar to frustration. I immediately began to think about why I was feeling this way. I realized that I was being a total hypocrite. I told this person to be themselves and I said I would be me. But the problem was that I wasn't being me, I was being some big hairy dude that lived in London. This big hairy dude was a part of me, but wasn't me. This person was a guy who walked around the streets of London as if they were his home, and in a sense, they were. This was not the same guy that left Malibu in September of last year looking to have the experience of a lifetime. This particular guy was a product of that experience who was shaped and molded by what existed around him. His beard hid his true feelings and personality; his hair covered up who really should have shone through.

I realized that I wasn't being me. It isn't that the hair (or lack thereof) makes me who I am, but it is rather the simple act of changing my appearance that made me feel like it all wasn't real. It is more symbolic that literal but I really do feel like this is the true me. The guy with all the hair lived here in London for 8 months and London is where he will always be. With 8 days left in the U.K. and finals signalling the end of our time here, I felt like it was about time I started being the real me. This is the Dap that you all know and love; the one who played football at St. John High School; the one who went to Pepperdine and live along the ocean; the one who decided to drop everything he had built during Freshman year and see if he could find himself. This is the Dap who spent the last 8 months cooped up in the shell of someone else thinking he hadn't found much of anything.

I found myself after that conversation and now I feel about a thousand times better inside and out than I did before. I finally realized that finding yourself sometimes requires you to try to be someone else for a while. I feel like I can finally say that coming to London gave me something I didn't have before. London gave me a sense of belonging, not here, but back in sunny Southern California where my base is waiting for me. It's that base I want to thank for letting me go when they probably didn't want to. It's them I want to applaud for their patience and their love as I wandered around Europe with their faces held steadfast in my mind. Thank you for letting me have this and showing me how much you all truly mean to me. And to that special person I talked to tonight, thank you for letting me be me again. You mean the world to me.