An Open Letter to Apple or Wherein I Express My Discontent with Apple's Customer Service

First, a little background for those of you who aren't familiar with my situation. I purchased (well, my Dad purchased) a new PowerBook G4 back in the beginning of January of this year. The day after I got it, Apple released the new MacBook Pro and dropped the price of my recently purchased laptop by around $400. Needless to say, I was more than a little disappointed, but I kept a cool head and called to see if I could perhaps switch my PowerBook for a MacBook Pro or at least get some of my money back.

Initially, things seemed hopeful. I talked to a sweet young lady (her name escapes me--it's been almost 6 months now) and she told me that I could switch out for a new one so I said I'd like to. She tossed me over to an equally sweet young man who informed me that I could go online and request this using a new feature on Apple's homepage. When I did as instructed, I received the message that I would get an RMA within the next 24-48 hours. I honestly thought that I would be sent a box with the RMA on it because the sweet young man had alluded to something of that nature.

When I hadn't received anything (email or snail mail) I called once again. I was polite while talking to the less-than-sweet young man that answered my call. In his defense, the new Macs had just come out so I'm sure he had had a stressful day. He mumbled something about it being sent to Irvine when he looked at my web order number. I politely told him that there must have been a mistake because I was in Malibu. He mumbled something again and asked me to hold. I waited for 35 minutes before hanging up and calling back.

This time, the person on the other end was quick to get my web order number and put me on hold--for another 30 minutes. This would continue for a few weeks until I finally gave up and stopped calling. I felt like a whiny bitch, to be honest, because I had a great laptop that was working fine. I should have continued to be a whiny bitch.

When I was talking with Andrew at the Genius Bar in the Santa Monica Apple Store, he was appalled that I had been treated that was and told me that I should call Apple Care immediately and demand they do something about it. When I called, I was rather politely told that I had received the RMA originally (which I hadn't) and that I had certainly not called more than a couple of times.

Despite slipping in those barbed implications, Frank, the customer service rep I spoke with, was very helpful in arranging a special exception for me to return my PowerBook for a refund and then use that money to buy a new MacBook Pro. I was pleased. The little guy had won. The system finally worked.

I got an email the next day regarding my call to customer service and they asked me to let them know how their "award-winning" customer service was and how they could make it better. Here is my reply:

Well, when I initially called in January I believe part of the problem was different people telling me different things. Some people said I had to wait for an RMA to be sent to me via email, some said I already had the email (which my records show never came then and still has yet to for my new exception), one person led me to believe Apple would send me a box in which to pack my laptop in order to return it. When I would call back and ask for clarification, I'd either be passed around to various departments or I would be asked for my web order number, at which point I would be put on hold for ridiculous amounts of time (over an hour on one occasion). I would be told that I already had the RMA when I hadn't been given one and instead of someone just finding out what the RMA was and giving it to me, or properly explaining the process, or maybe issuing me a new one, all I got was more being put on hold. I was told far too many times that my call was important to you and that I needed to "please stay on the line".

I also got tired of the often poor choice of music that was piped loudly, and very distorted, into my ear. This made me very agitated after the first 30 minutes or so. I would imagine that you guys would have the most kickass hold music, but apparently everyone punches into the universal bad hold music line that runs through every corporation's customer service department.

I am a new Mac user, this PowerBook is my first. I honestly enjoy it but when a genius at your very own genius bar in Santa Monica gives me a look as if he knows I've been cheated out of a superior computer, or at the very least, several hundred bucks, I can't help but get a little annoyed. I had my frustrations with Dell before, don't get me wrong, but all the times I called, I never once got the feeling that I was not being respected or that I was backhandedly being called a liar. This is something that I have only gotten from you and T-Mobile. When I call you within 48 hours of being told that I will receive an RMA in 24-48 hours, and I am told that I received it even though I have both of the emails that Apple sent to me that day (one for new music Tuesday from iTunes and one advertising the very MacBook Pro that I wanted) I can't help but feel a little insulted. Wouldn't you?

I have been thinking about purchasing an iPod, maybe after the newest generation comes out, but given my experience thus far, I am rethinking that decision. If this is the kind of thing customers have to expect from award-winning customer service, I don't know if I really want to be a customer anymore.

So to recap:

1. Stop your employees from giving out conflicting information. I don't know; make the talking points a little more clear I guess. Ask Karl Rove how he does it.

2. Be careful of how long a customer is holding and if they are going to be on the line for a long time, TELL THEM. Don't ask them to hold momentarily and then go to lunch and stop by the house to feed the dog and catch the end of Sportscenter. Having worked as a receptionist before, I know that people hate you the second you ask them to hold, time only allows the hatred to fester.

3. GET BETTER MUSIC. You're Apple for chrissakes. Get Bono to play for us, I know he's around there somewhere.

4. Don't tell the customer he is a liar, don't imply the customer is a liar, don't assume that he is a liar, and don’t even think, for a second, that he is a liar. We can hear it in your voice, and when you come back to save us from the terrible music with that idea in your mind, that festering boil of hatred is in danger of bursting. That won't be pretty.

5. Don't be that company. You know the one, the one that passes customers around within the bureaucratic bowels of the operator pool until they get frustrated and hang up. The one that refuses to flinch or deviate from protocol even when it's clear that they have messed up and are in the wrong. The one that assumes the customer is always wrong or doesn't deserve to be right, or may be right but can't prove it so screw 'em. Please guys, I want to fall in love with you like everyone else but thus far, you've made it tough.

To your credit, you have graciously made a huge exception for me in allowing me to return my PowerBook for a refund, which if all goes smoothly, will put a brand spankin' new MacBook Pro on this lap of mine at which point I will have no choice but to sing your praises. I wouldn't mind doing just that so please don't let me down this time.