gray matter

Pinin' for the fjords.

2009-08-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

And with that, I bid Blogger farewell. It served me well for quite a while, but I've moved on to greener pastures. I'm a WordPress blogger now. You can find me over at Back From Hello. That said, this is officially an ex-blog.

Man, it sure has been a long time

2009-06-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

I haven't been here in forever. It looks like since the last time I posted on here, quite a few things have changed. For starters, I got married. I don't know how you feel about it, but to me, that's a pretty huge change. Second, we elected a biracial President and the crazy part is that one of those races was black. Third, I moved into a new place with my wife (3 months ago) and we still haven't finished hanging all of our pictures. In our defense though, we do have an awful lot of pictures/works of art. And fourth, all of the members of my apartment senior year, lovingly and self-referentially known as The Mantangle&trade (It's not nearly as homoerotic as it sounds, I promise. Did I mention I'm married? To a woman?) have taken pretty big steps into full-blown adulthood.

For starters, as I've already mentioned twice now, I got married. I am not alone in setting out on such an endeavor, though. Two other nodes of The Mantangle&trade did too. In addition to that, one of those two is soon shipping out to Afghanistan to fight in a freaking war (this of course means he leapt into manhood, not just stepped). The fourth and final node just received his Master's from the LBJ School of Public Policy at UT in Austin (congrats again Harv!)

All of this happened within the last 4 months. Bravo us.

Searching for John McCain

2008-05-30T08:34:00.000-07:00

This is just a drive-by but I found a blog post that pretty much sums up my view of John McCain.

I'm a fairly liberal guy. I've always voted Democratic and have never once considered voting for anyone on the Right. I really don't have any problems admitting this, so I have no problem saying that I do not want to see John McCain become the next POTUS. I just don't think that McCain is right for the job. I have numerous reasons for holding this belief and I'd be more than willing to share them with anyone who's interested.

I was going through my usual roundup of political blogs when I came upon a post by Chris Bowers over at Daily Kos. He's compiled a nice little list of news stories that focus on just a few of the reasons not to support John McCain. The best part is, the links he provides, for the most part, use McCain's own words to highlight his flawed policies. Anyway, I thought I'd borrow from Chris and put that list up here for anyone who might be interested in seeing just what a McCain presidency might offer.

The Articles

1--John McCain Votes to Filibuster Minimum Wage Hike

2--McCain housing policy shaped by lobbyist

3--Bush, McCain plug Social Security

4--McCain blasts Obama’s and Clinton’s attacks on NAFTA

5--McCain in NH: Would Be "Fine" To Keep Troops in Iraq for "A Hundred Years"

6--McCain: Bush right to veto kids health insurance expansion

7--Senate passes expanded GI bill despite Bush, McCain opposition

8--McCain says overturn the law that legalized abortion

9--McCain Defends Bush's Iraq Strategy

I'd say that's a pretty good start.

I strongly suggest you check out all those articles and pass them along to friends and relatives who might consider voting for Senator McSame.

Her name is Malu.

2006-07-10T22:05:00.000-07:00

Today, my mom and I went down to the Humane Society of South Mississippi (HSSM) to look for a new puppy to replace our last dog Doji, who disappeared in her old age (we don't know if she ran away or was taken, but we haven't heard of any sightings since she left). The task was, as always, a tough one. I don't know how many of you have made the trip to your local Humane Society (HS) yet, but it really is tough to walk away from one without taking something cute and furry with you.

We went in looking for a puppy because it is so much better to get them when they are still incredibly cute and they haven't developed all sorts of difficult-to-break habits. It is also nice to be able to select your own name for a new puppy instead of going with the one that it got from the HS workers. There were all sorts of adorable puppies trying their best to make you fall in love with them but the one that stood out most to me was a little female black Mastiff-mix (we suspect Rottweiler) who wasn't entirely concerned with making a show. She came out to investigate my mom and I because her brothers, both adopted, seemed really excited. She looked very sweet and was content curling up right against the gate of the pen and snuggling with one of her syblings. I went back and forth between a Golden Retreiver puppy named Jake who was much more exciteable but when it came down to it, she was just sociable enough to make a good family pet and just calm enough for my mom to be able to handle her when she is full grown.

Female Mastiffs can grow to be about 28-35 inches at the shoulder and usually end up weighing-in at about 150-200 lbs. For those of you that can't quite picture how big that is, that's a dog whose shoulder nearly comes up to the knob on your average door and who weighs about the same as the average adult male. In other words, Malu has the potential to become an absolutely massive beast. If you still need help, imagine "The Beast" from The Sandlot. Here are some good pictures of Mastiffs with kids. They are great family pets.

Enough sidetracking, back to the pup at hand. When we adopted Malu, we knew we had to come up with a good name for her because she had only been at the shelter long enough to get the name "2 of 3" (which, humorously, is her name on the paperwork and the form letter that the Humane Society gave us). I have been thinking for a long time about the name Mela, short for Entwidomela, which is Setswani for "He who greets with fire". Obviously, I couldn't name this little girl that, even though I am sure she will be plenty intimidating at full size.

My quest, of course, turned to the Internet and the extension of my body that is Google. I immediately settled on the idea of an exotic name, something from another language, preferably something African, Arabic, Hebrew, or one of the Polynesian languages. I went to several baby name websites, searching for adjectives that described her personality (dogality?) before I landed on the Hawaiian name, Malu, which translates to, among other things, shade, shelter, peace, control, strength. These are very much words that describe the breed in general and from the admittedly short amount of time I spent with her, I'd say they fit my baby girl too.

Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures yet because I didn't want to go snapping pictures of this nervous little puppy the very first time she met me but I promise I will post some of those soon enough. She goes into surgery first thing tomorrow morning to be fixed and we get to take her home tomorrow afternoon.

Like I said, I promise I'll have plenty of pictures up as soon as she is feeling up for a photoshoot. Check back tomorrow sometime after 4:30 central time. PEACE.

Update: I have a few pictures of my new baby girl. You can check them out at my photosite. I'll continue to add more over the next couple of days. Enjoy!

I win! One to nothin'! (Well, so maybe it's a draw)

2006-06-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

I wrote earlier about my problem with Apple and their very nearly ripping me off and I have since made progress in my fight for justice. I am typing this here blog post on my beautiful new MacBook Pro. Currently, I am brimming with joy because Apple happily took back my Powerbook G4 and refunded me my money....nearly 6 months after I purchased it.

I also said earlier that this was Apple's chance to redeem themselves from their previous behavior. I was almost ready to bow down and worship at their iAltar, until, two days after I ordered my MacBook Pro, Apple went ahead and put on a promotion wherein one gets a free iPod Nano (after rebate) with the purchase of a new Mac. The unfortunate catch (there really always is a catch) is that the Mac had to be purchased after June 5th. I bought mine on the 3rd.

Sigh....I guess I'll have to wait on that iPod. Damn you, Jobs!

An Open Letter to Apple or Wherein I Express My Discontent with Apple's Customer Service

2006-06-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

First, a little background for those of you who aren't familiar with my situation. I purchased (well, my Dad purchased) a new PowerBook G4 back in the beginning of January of this year. The day after I got it, Apple released the new MacBook Pro and dropped the price of my recently purchased laptop by around $400. Needless to say, I was more than a little disappointed, but I kept a cool head and called to see if I could perhaps switch my PowerBook for a MacBook Pro or at least get some of my money back.

Initially, things seemed hopeful. I talked to a sweet young lady (her name escapes me--it's been almost 6 months now) and she told me that I could switch out for a new one so I said I'd like to. She tossed me over to an equally sweet young man who informed me that I could go online and request this using a new feature on Apple's homepage. When I did as instructed, I received the message that I would get an RMA within the next 24-48 hours. I honestly thought that I would be sent a box with the RMA on it because the sweet young man had alluded to something of that nature.

When I hadn't received anything (email or snail mail) I called once again. I was polite while talking to the less-than-sweet young man that answered my call. In his defense, the new Macs had just come out so I'm sure he had had a stressful day. He mumbled something about it being sent to Irvine when he looked at my web order number. I politely told him that there must have been a mistake because I was in Malibu. He mumbled something again and asked me to hold. I waited for 35 minutes before hanging up and calling back.

This time, the person on the other end was quick to get my web order number and put me on hold--for another 30 minutes. This would continue for a few weeks until I finally gave up and stopped calling. I felt like a whiny bitch, to be honest, because I had a great laptop that was working fine. I should have continued to be a whiny bitch.

When I was talking with Andrew at the Genius Bar in the Santa Monica Apple Store, he was appalled that I had been treated that was and told me that I should call Apple Care immediately and demand they do something about it. When I called, I was rather politely told that I had received the RMA originally (which I hadn't) and that I had certainly not called more than a couple of times.

Despite slipping in those barbed implications, Frank, the customer service rep I spoke with, was very helpful in arranging a special exception for me to return my PowerBook for a refund and then use that money to buy a new MacBook Pro. I was pleased. The little guy had won. The system finally worked.

I got an email the next day regarding my call to customer service and they asked me to let them know how their "award-winning" customer service was and how they could make it better. Here is my reply:

Well, when I initially called in January I believe part of the problem was different people telling me different things. Some people said I had to wait for an RMA to be sent to me via email, some said I already had the email (which my records show never came then and still has yet to for my new exception), one person led me to believe Apple would send me a box in which to pack my laptop in order to return it. When I would call back and ask for clarification, I'd either be passed around to various departments or I would be asked for my web order number, at which point I would be put on hold for ridiculous amounts of time (over an hour on one occasion). I would be told that I already had the RMA when I hadn't been given one and instead of someone just finding out what the RMA was and giving it to me, or properly explaining the process, or maybe issuing me a new one, all I got was more being put on hold. I was told far too many times that my call was important to you and that I needed to "please stay on the line".

I also got tired of the often poor choice of music that was piped loudly, and very distorted, into my ear. This made me very agitated after the first 30 minutes or so. I would imagine that you guys would have the most kickass hold music, but apparently everyone punches into the universal bad hold music line that runs through every corporation's customer service department.

I am a new Mac user, this PowerBook is my first. I honestly enjoy it but when a genius at your very own genius bar in Santa Monica gives me a look as if he knows I've been cheated out of a superior computer, or at the very least, several hundred bucks, I can't help but get a little annoyed. I had my frustrations with Dell before, don't get me wrong, but all the times I called, I never once got the feeling that I was not being respected or that I was backhandedly being called a liar. This is something that I have only gotten from you and T-Mobile. When I call you within 48 hours of being told that I will receive an RMA in 24-48 hours, and I am told that I received it even though I have both of the emails that Apple sent to me that day (one for new music Tuesday from iTunes and one advertising the very MacBook Pro that I wanted) I can't help but feel a little insulted. Wouldn't you?

I have been thinking about purchasing an iPod, maybe after the newest generation comes out, but given my experience thus far, I am rethinking that decision. If this is the kind of thing customers have to expect from award-winning customer service, I don't know if I really want to be a customer anymore.

So to recap:

1. Stop your employees from giving out conflicting information. I don't know; make the talking points a little more clear I guess. Ask Karl Rove how he does it.

2. Be careful of how long a customer is holding and if they are going to be on the line for a long time, TELL THEM. Don't ask them to hold momentarily and then go to lunch and stop by the house to feed the dog and catch the end of Sportscenter. Having worked as a receptionist before, I know that people hate you the second you ask them to hold, time only allows the hatred to fester.

3. GET BETTER MUSIC. You're Apple for chrissakes. Get Bono to play for us, I know he's around there somewhere.

4. Don't tell the customer he is a liar, don't imply the customer is a liar, don't assume that he is a liar, and don’t even think, for a second, that he is a liar. We can hear it in your voice, and when you come back to save us from the terrible music with that idea in your mind, that festering boil of hatred is in danger of bursting. That won't be pretty.

5. Don't be that company. You know the one, the one that passes customers around within the bureaucratic bowels of the operator pool until they get frustrated and hang up. The one that refuses to flinch or deviate from protocol even when it's clear that they have messed up and are in the wrong. The one that assumes the customer is always wrong or doesn't deserve to be right, or may be right but can't prove it so screw 'em. Please guys, I want to fall in love with you like everyone else but thus far, you've made it tough.

To your credit, you have graciously made a huge exception for me in allowing me to return my PowerBook for a refund, which if all goes smoothly, will put a brand spankin' new MacBook Pro on this lap of mine at which point I will have no choice but to sing your praises. I wouldn't mind doing just that so please don't let me down this time.

Wish List

2005-12-07T21:57:00.000-08:00

Well, Christmas is coming and my birthday is roughly two months after that so maybe it's about time you guys start thinking about buying me stuff. I'm just sayin'....

Apple Announces the Release of Its Newest Creation

2005-10-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

Cupertino, CA - Today, in front of an excited audience, Steve Jobs announced the release of Apple's latest stroke of genius. Hailing it as "the latest and best development in a line of great Apple products," Jobs urinated on an elderly woman in the crowd and gave the command for the 50-ft plasma screen to come to life. "Salivate over this, bitches! The iProduct!" roared Jobs, with his freakish grin and fiery red eyes striking fear into the hearts of his competitors.

What appeared on the screen brought the crowd of about 500 to its feet. "I couldn't believe my eyes," said Jocelyn Murphy, manager of a local Apple Store and first time release party participant, "I can't wait to see these fly off the shelves. Apple has really outdone itself this time."

Many in attendance wondered just where Apple would go next. Carlos Nuñez, an intern at the Apple corporate headquarters said, "Please don't print my name. I'm not even supposed to be here right now. I'm supposed to be shredding the copies of the contract Mr. Jobs made with Satan. Shit, I gotta get outta here."

This release marks one of many in the last few weeks including the iPod Nano, and the new iPod (dubbed V-iPod by some) which supports video. Check out the iProduct here.

(The picture below was originally posted by Ryland at a boy and his computer.)

Hillbilly Wars

2005-10-12T16:51:00.000-07:00

This should be a movie, or at least a poster:

Credit goes to Micah Kafka for this.

Braddigan and Pete Play Pepperdine

2005-10-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

Brad Corrigan (Braddigan) and Pete Heimbold (Pete Francis), formerly of the band Dispatch, came and played a sweet little concert for about 200 Pepperdine students. For those of you that know me from my high school days, I, like most of you, am a huge Dispatch fan so it was a pretty big event to have 2/3 of the group come and jam for us here in Malibu. When I say I am a huge Dispatch fan, I mean that five of us drove all the way from Long Beach, Mississippi, to Boston to see their free farewell concert two summers ago. Yeah, that was huge.

For those of you who aren't familiar with these Braddigan and Pete (or Chad, the third former Dispatcher and current lead singer of State Radio), these guys rock. I would strongly advise that you go check out the links and give a listen to their music, it's good stuff.

Big time thanks to Arrrrmand Scurrrfield and his kickass roommate Mark (Braddigan's friend) for hooking it up. Hopefully we can get something setup for a much bigger Spring show. Alumni Park needs a good concert this year and I think this is just the type of thing we need to make happen.

The Last True Hope

2005-08-10T16:00:00.000-07:00

The Last True Hope

Like thunderous clouds,
our hardships amass.
Violent scenes erupting
everywhere we turn.

Corruption and crime
overtake our headlines.
Nuclear threats escalate
quickly into war.

Unjustified means make
ends lacking justice.
Radicals from both
sides stoke sin.

Although hate seems
like the answer,
love alone succeeds.

Damn, we're old as shit.

2005-07-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

Today the United States of America turns 229 years old and she's apparently feeling remarkably well for that age. She's a little creaky in some spots and there seems to be a little bit of an infection welling up and turning things kinda puffy and red in parts, while other parts are deep blue and purple. Hopefully all this clears up and she can return to her full strength sometime soon, maybe before the big 2-3-0. Well, we love you old girl. Stay strong and enjoy today, it's all yours.

Clothing and Belief Systems

2005-06-24T04:15:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently asked me if I thought people really started wearing clothes because they ate a piece of magical fruit and pissed off some other-worldly father figure. Okay, so they didn't quite word it like that but you get the idea. I think clothing was developed out of sheer necessity along with the ability of humans to cognitively process the information ("I'm cold as shit.") and apply a solution to their problem ("I'll wear this dead animal!"). I think clothing stayed around because people thought it was a nifty little idea worth hanging on to because it meant that they could move through thick brush or across hot or cold deserts without fear of harm. This put them at somewhat of an advantage over much of their prey, as did their other tools and weapons. As hunting for food became less chic, Farmer Thog realized it kept him either warm or cold, whatever he wished, and it didn't look too bad either. As cognitive capacity increased, people saw clothes, like their other tools, as something of a status symbol--clothes separated them from the animals. There was something rewarding to being able to look down on other creatures and feel vastly more important. Some saw other people that didn't wear clothes as savage or filthy because they were too animalistic. Oh, how much better it feels inside to be able to claim dominance and superiority over another human! Forget the animals, well, not completely, but belittling them became much less important.

So, clothes as a symbol of cultural and intellectual development became increasingly popular. This trend just continued to transform into what we see today in our own cultures and societies. It is evident everywhere one looks that clothes are often one of the main things that separate different social groups, and indeed often entire cultures. Clothes aren't important to wear because they are morally superior to nudity, that's crap. Clothes are important because the belief systems that we designed around our need for separation from the animals--from the "savages"--say they are. Who created these rules? We did. We created them over millennia as we became more self-centered and more foolishly arrogant of our position on Earth. Are clothes inherently bad? No, there is nothing wrong with a good pair of jeans or a toasty sweatshirt. All I am saying is that this is just one of the things that we have conditioned ourselves to "know." This idea of knowing is applied to all of the different belief systems. People try to better themselves in whatever structural system they deem appropriate and fitting. Of course, each system comes with a claim:

"I am trying to be more like God/Buddah/Mohamed/Allah/Jesus/Ganesh/Elvis." --whatever. You hold a religious belief because you "know" there must be something out there that we can't even fathom that runs this sideshow we call life.

"Through research, we hope to one day unlock the mysteries of the Universe..." Mhmm. You "know" that there is so much more to understand and so much more to learn about the world and therefore you make that your life's work.

"I wish to think all thoughts." Well that's sweet and all, but you "know" that if you commit enough time and mental energy to dreaming up and imagining everything that could ever be possible, you can get a better understanding of yourself/people/nature/existence (if it even exists--"Oooh...good call! I need to think about this one...").

Religion. Science. Philosophy. All of these were created by human minds thinking human thoughts. Sure you can argue that your belief exists because "God exists and He put the need for religion inside all of us. That's why we all feel compelled to religion." But that leads me to wonder why God didn't just give us all the need for the same religion. If yours is the right one, what about all the other ones? How come only you guys figured it out? Oh....because of free will, huh? Because all the other people have been led astray? So your religion is, what, the best? Bullshi.....er....interesting. Open your eyes here people, you're all saying the same thing. You've all chosen religion as your system and all rules of logic and reasoning go along with that system. Anyone questions you, try to apply your rules to their outside logic. If they can't grasp it, either implicitly or explicitly state your moral and intellectual superiority. Sound familiar anyone?

Hey scientists! Look over here! You guys are the same as the religious folk. Your rules and beliefs and logic vary from theirs, but the basic structure is the same. You have your system that you adhere to and those outside of it are either lazy, dumb, or misguided and you are more than happy to show them the error of their ways. What's that? Don't like being compared to them? Sorry, your bad. Systems are systems, man. There's not much you can do to avoid it, might as well try to argue that yours is better than theirs, because they sure as hell are.

Ho, ho, ho, Philosophers--just one second. You guys aren't off the hook either you know. You're some of the worst offenders. You try to claim that you toss aside all conventional systems for your own magical mystery tour and so that makes you different. You know, I hate to burst your little existential bubble but, your rejection of the other two in order to apply your own--get this--rules, beliefs, and logic, mean that you too have succumbed to--gasp!--a system. Sure, yours is one that allows the user to mold and shape his or her own reality, but it is still a system within which you operate. You haughtily look down your nose at those around you because they are incapable of operating within your little system, but like a condescending older sibling you humor the weak-minded around you by going into great detail about what you have discovered through countless hours of deep thought and contemplation. Hey, you might even get a book deal out of your self-indulgence! Score!

It amazes me to no end that people continue to view these three major belief systems (of which I'm sure there are numerous others) as separate, competing entities. They are all representative of the same ultimate end here people. The idea being to get a little bit higher up. Whether you choose religion or science, it doesn't matter, when viewed for what they are, they both result in what you feel is ascension, understanding, and deliverance from those unfortunate, lesser ones around you. Systems--like language, clothes, tools, or TiVo--separate us from the animals. That is why they formed, and that is why they are still around to this day, constantly growing and building their respective cases. Be honest with yourself when you subscribe to one of these or various other belief systems; you want to be better than everyone else--the "animals."

Stickin' it to the man...

2005-04-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

I am the type of person who often finds inspiration in Nature and I feel that there are definitely times where Nature provides a certain outstanding situation that absolutely demands our attention and perhaps provides us with an example as to what we should do. This is just such an occassion:

That's right man, rise up, fight the power.

About that last post...

2005-04-20T00:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, smugmug is cool with me, they didn't lose my stuff. Enjoy your day.

Blog temporarily pictureless and unattractive...sorry about that!

2005-04-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the pictures everybody. I went to check out my smugmug site earlier and their servers are apparently down for maintenance. That means, my blog has approximately 3 pictures that work at the moment. Of course, if you are reading this and a little picture of my handsome mug is smirking playfully at you from the right side of the screen, disregard this posting completely. I really hope that smugmug doesn't lose any of my stuff because that is a lot of photography to repost. Since I signed up for the service (which I highly recommend for everyone looking for a fairly cheap way to post their pictures online) I have taken about 4GB worth of pictures. For $30 a year, you get unlimited storage space and a lot of bandwidth so lots of people can view your stuff. Anyway, I didn't mean for this to turn into an advertisement and I will most definitely remove this little posting if they happen to lose all my stuff. Ok, I am going back to listening to three very silly and very stressed girls study for their chemistry lab practical. Man, I'm really living the good life here in Malibu. Thanks for stopping by.

Back in the 'Bu

2005-04-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

Ahhh....what a feeling. I am sitting in the Sandbar (our student computer/mail/TV/snack center) at our Malibu campus and absolutely loving every minute of my being here. I am sleeping on a hard, thinly carpeted floor with a military issue sleeping mat and a regular old sleeping bag for a bed but I am more than happy to sleep there if it means that I get to be here. Ok, well my favorite person in the world just walked up and I am going to go hang out with her now. Talk to you guys later. Peace.

3 More Days...

2005-04-10T05:28:00.000-07:00

Well hello there ladies and gentlemen. Things are buzzing in the London house; packing has begun; last minute paper-writing is taking place; people are getting both excited and a little sad. I personally feel just a little bit more than a whole heck of a lot of relief. I am really going to miss this house, both the building and the people that I have shared it with over the last two semesters, but I have to admit I can't find it in me to get sad. I just feel like there is so much more awaiting me in Malibu than there is for me here. I mean, this experience has been great and it taught me a lot, challenged me, tested me, but it also tried my patience at times, and it put a huge strain on my relationships with some very important people back in the States.

Before I came here I had it clear in my head who the most important people in my life were and I mainly concerned myself with them and their happiness. I came over here and knew that I couldn't be a part of that happiness and that I had no real connection with any of them anymore. That really sucked, to be quite honest. My friends here, try as they might, just couldn't fill that void and certainly couldn't take their places. I felt like I left myself there with those people that meant the most to me. Both luckily and unfortunately, I realized that I was here, but my heart wasn't. There was a moment that it hit me that I came over here and found out exactly where I needed to be and who I needed to be with because of the emptiness that existed inside of me. It is really nice to know you have the kind of love and support that I had, have, and will continue to have. I just can't explain the feeling. It is just peaceful knowing that there's happiness and fun ahead. I am SO ready to be back. I may just post another one of these tomorrow. I just feel like I want to tell everyone in the world that I get to go HOME! Whew, ok, I feel a little better now. If only there were some way to make time go faster....

I'm Baaaaaaaack!

2005-04-04T22:28:00.000-07:00

So, in the wee hours of the morning I was having a chat with someone very special to me about being me. This wasn't a conceited, self-centered, ego inflating conversation--this was not even close. This particular conversation was actually very humbling and made me think really hard about a lot of things. I came to London intent on really being Dap and loving every minute of it. I soon decided that I was going to grow a full beard and not shave my head until the end of the semester. The result was a big gnarly lumberjack beard and a 'fro reminiscent of the 70s. These were great and all but at one point during the semester, right before spring break, I decided that something wasn't right. I felt like i was in some way kidding myself, not being real to who I am. I decided right then and there to shave my beard. To be honest with you, I felt a lot better about my situation and who I was.

I went for a few weeks with that look before finally having this chat. In the conversation, I told this person to be real to who they were and just be themselves. I know this all sounds really cliche but I don't care. I told this person to just be who they were and things would make a lot more sense in the end. It is easier to think and to exist in general when you are just being you. After this talk, I got that almost sick feeling in my stomach again. This was a feeling similar to guilt, similar to frustration. I immediately began to think about why I was feeling this way. I realized that I was being a total hypocrite. I told this person to be themselves and I said I would be me. But the problem was that I wasn't being me, I was being some big hairy dude that lived in London. This big hairy dude was a part of me, but wasn't me. This person was a guy who walked around the streets of London as if they were his home, and in a sense, they were. This was not the same guy that left Malibu in September of last year looking to have the experience of a lifetime. This particular guy was a product of that experience who was shaped and molded by what existed around him. His beard hid his true feelings and personality; his hair covered up who really should have shone through.

I realized that I wasn't being me. It isn't that the hair (or lack thereof) makes me who I am, but it is rather the simple act of changing my appearance that made me feel like it all wasn't real. It is more symbolic that literal but I really do feel like this is the true me. The guy with all the hair lived here in London for 8 months and London is where he will always be. With 8 days left in the U.K. and finals signalling the end of our time here, I felt like it was about time I started being the real me. This is the Dap that you all know and love; the one who played football at St. John High School; the one who went to Pepperdine and live along the ocean; the one who decided to drop everything he had built during Freshman year and see if he could find himself. This is the Dap who spent the last 8 months cooped up in the shell of someone else thinking he hadn't found much of anything.

I found myself after that conversation and now I feel about a thousand times better inside and out than I did before. I finally realized that finding yourself sometimes requires you to try to be someone else for a while. I feel like I can finally say that coming to London gave me something I didn't have before. London gave me a sense of belonging, not here, but back in sunny Southern California where my base is waiting for me. It's that base I want to thank for letting me go when they probably didn't want to. It's them I want to applaud for their patience and their love as I wandered around Europe with their faces held steadfast in my mind. Thank you for letting me have this and showing me how much you all truly mean to me. And to that special person I talked to tonight, thank you for letting me be me again. You mean the world to me.

The Wilderness

2005-03-30T00:25:00.000-08:00

I would describe what I am doing as simply seeking answers. That’s all. I’m not trying to build my own personal beliefs up because I don’t even quite know what they are. That’s the whole point here, man. I just want direction. How about I help you better understand where I am here. This is how I imagine my current situation:

I am lost in a huge expanse of space; a field if you want, or mountains, or woods—whatever suits you. I’m in this place and I’m holding these three maps, each telling me a different direction in which to head. One map tells me to turn to my left and follow a long and narrow winding footpath that is littered with rocks, and thorns, and dangers of all kinds. It stretches out for what looks to be a lifetime, bowing out away from some distant light source before meandering in, more towards the center of my perspective. It seems like an impossible journey to complete. Down at the very edge of the horizon, just as the road meets the bleak, gray sky, I can see a brilliant glow. Even from here, though it is just a glow, I can almost feel its warmth in the cold air. This sliver of light appears so far off that I can’t imagine myself ever getting there. I don’t feel like I have the supplies or the will power to make it. The tattered and worn map in my hand assures me that this is the right path, no matter how bad it looks. It says in time-faded ink that all I have to do is keep my head up and my eyes on the light and I will one day arrive safely. This advice seems much too simple for the trial at hand.

I look to the next map to see if it can help me find a better way there. This map is well drawn and filled with facts and figures that promise to be helpful in my journey. It points me straight ahead to a well-defined and apparently oft-traveled roadway—much more promising than the first. All hazards have been cleared from this path and some grooming has been done to its surface. Like the first, this route stretches on for what again feels like a lifetime towards a similar point of glowing light. The warmth returns to me momentarily as I gaze off into the distance, seeking this road’s end. This feels like the most promising route but before I step out, I skim over the map once more. Towards the bottom of the page I notice a finely written footnote that warns me that it is at this point incomplete and can only guide me definitely for a portion of the way. Confused, I lift my head and see that as the road stretches out from my feet, its manicured surface begins to look less worn and somewhat less defined. The point at which it touches the horizon appears almost completely wild—only a faint trace of a path remains. It seems that none who have come before me have ever made it completely to the light at the end; the few that have, apparently failed to ever report back with their findings. The map assures me that with the information it provides, I should be able to chart the rest of the course safely but its end warning still haunts me. I don’t feel confident in setting off on this road either.

Shivering from the cold and fearing the fall of night, I again find myself looking out at the wilderness around me. I do not see another path ahead. I glance to the right at the raw, open terrain that stretches out along the length of the first two paths. It too beckons me with a strange warmth, and soft but brilliant glow. This glow does not outshine the others, nor is its simple radiance dwarfed by them. It equals theirs in intensity and looks somewhat similar in color—a distant blush on the frigid cheek of the land. I can’t figure out how I would go about getting there and I must admit, that somewhat intrigues me. I look up at the ominous sky above and then back down at my weary, trembling hands. This last map charts no course and plots no route through this vast wilderness. It supplies me with only a detailed topography of the region and a simple, wobbly compass. This map, too, is worn thin; the only marking it bears is a message scrawled in thick black ink. It reads simply:

“Go it your own way. Find your own path.”

I feel so drawn to it but can’t for some reason commit. Why pass on trodden paths in favor of uncharted ground? It just doesn’t seem to make sense to me. It seems irrational but for some reason still tempting. I don’t know what to do. I am cold. I am confused. I want to find the way.

As I stand here, contemplating these three paths through the wasteland, I feel more alone than I have ever felt before. At no point have I ever known a fear so strong as this. I look up at the three points of light growing thinner under the onslaught of night. Each glows so warm and strong that I almost feel it doesn’t matter which I choose. No one end appears any less pleasant than the others and no one end beckons with any superior strength. It is almost as if these three emanate from one lone source somewhere far beyond where my eyes can reach. I look back at the brooding darkness growing thicker and churning in the sky above me. The wind whips around violently as if impatiently condemning my indecision. The smell of rain fills my nostrils as it is carried in by the roiling tempest. Staring defiantly into the cold I take a deep breath and gather my maps. I have made my choice. I turn slowly and look out once more into the gloomy landscape that lay before me. Confidently, I fix my gaze on the fading light ahead and take the step that will change my life and forever define who I am. I have chosen my path through the wilderness of existence. I have found the way. I have found the Truth.

Dapremont, Ryan. “The Wilderness”. (adapted from A Hurried Rant on Everything). gray matter. 30 March 2005.
Photo by Ryan Dapremont.

Spring Break

2005-03-15T04:23:00.000-08:00

I went on Spring Break.

Scotland

2005-02-14T15:03:00.000-08:00

As you may or may not know, I went to Scotland this past weekend and it rocked my world. Basic summary is as follows: London. Sick. 3:00 A.M. Plane. Glasgow-Prestwick airport. Train. Bus. Glasgow Airport. Rental car. Highlands. Inverness. Loch Ness. Crap food. Safeway parking lot in small car (see pictures below) for night. 3:30 A.M. St. Andrews. Edinburgh. Salisbury Crags. Scottish Coast. English border/Hadrian's wall. Pizza Hut. Glasgow airport. Bus. Train. Glasgow-Prestwick airport for night. 4:30 A.M. Plane. London.

I decided to shrink all the details down for the sake of, a) me, b) you, c) well, I guess there is no "c" but if there were it would be that trying to actually tell all the details without my three travel partners wouldn't even come close to doing the trip justice. (If you want to see someone attempt it, go check out Elliot's blog. I will certainly tell you all about it on a personal basis next time I see or talk to you (as long as it isn't in electronically written form) and share all the tales. All I can say is that if you get the chance to go to Scotland, go to Scotland. If you never get the chance, make the chance and go to Scotland. The countryside is absolutely beautiful and people are a lot of fun to listen to (though all the Goth kids in Scotland seem to descend upon the Glasgow Central train station at night). I would recommend renting a car like we did and just road-tripping it the whole time. One funny story I have to share is about our trip to Loch Ness. We drove for about 2 or 3 hours up to Loch Ness from Glasgow and checked out the area. Loch Ness is huge and really cool. I wanted to just sit there and take it in but alas, we kinda had a schedule to keep. The first leg of the drive around the Loch is really nice with a full view most of the time. But, when you get about halfway around the Loch, to what amounts to its southern tip, you hit a really sketchy, really spooky (at night) one-lane, two-way road. We were cruising along carefully trying to avoid the few oncoming cars we encountered when I saw something move at the edge of the road about 20-30 yards away and told Ethan that an animal had just crossed ahead of us so he could be on the look out for more. Well, it was a good thing I did because if he hadn't slowed down, we would have hit this thing:

Well, okay so it wasn't that particular one but it was a Sika (which, if you click on the word will come to find out is a species of deer). The sika we almost made into a hood ornament was a male and after the face it made before spazzing out and running back into the woods, it lost its male card, its mammal card, and its invertebrate card all in one spectacularly pathetic move. I have almost hit deer in Mississippi before and they usually react one of two ways, they freeze with the natural wide-eyed yet somewhat stoic look on their little deer faces and then bolt away, or in an absolute fraction of a nanosecond they re-route all electrical impulses in their body to shift direction instantly in one fluid, graceful Barry Sanders-esque movement. This particular deer was more Professor Frink than Sweetness. He came to an awkward, bumbling halt at the edge of our car and stood there with a horribly pathetic "lemon face." After standing there in continual awkwardness for a second or two, this crap-deer jerkily contorted itself and stumbled away in what almost appeared to be shame. Below are my impressions of how deer in Mississippi respond to the threat of death by car, and how the sika reponded, respectively:

Your average Mississippi deer

Crap-deer

As you can see, the Mississippi white-tailed deer is obviously the winner.

Go to Scotland. See a crap-deer. Below are some of the highlight shots from the trip. For more just head over to my photo site.

Scottish Highlands on the way to Loch Ness

Me and Nessie takin' a pit stop

NEW! HEINZ BAKED BEANZ! THEY'RE NOT JUST BEANS, THEY'RE BEANZ--TO THE EXTREEEEEEEEME!!!!!!

The crew at Loch Ness

Urquhart Castle at dusk

Beach at St. Andrew's

Me at said beach

Pretty sweet, huh?

Man, I loved the Scottish countryside

Edinburgh Castle

The crew on the Salisbury Crags overlooking Edinburgh

Hadrian's wall. Owned.

Best sign ever

Me in both Scotland and England at the same time.

This is the map of our travels. The red line represents the first day, the blue line represents the second.

Future Plans

2005-02-10T05:32:00.000-08:00

By the way, I am going to Scotland this weekend (cold and rain and me all sick) and then leaving for Ireland on our academic field trip on Wednesday morning (I think). So, I will have plenty to write about when all of that is over but I apologize in advance for the lack of activity that will occur in the next week and a half. I will also be posting those pictures on my website. I love you all. Keep comin' back for more. PEACE.

Eww

2005-02-10T05:08:00.000-08:00

I'm sick. More posts later. Sorry guys.

London Weather: Don't Believe the Hype

2005-02-08T02:51:00.000-08:00

I am living here in London for the academic year. I started my time here in early September 2004 and was immediately surprised by the heat. I stress this word because when we got off the plane, we were not greeted by cold weather, not by cool temperatures, not even by warmth, but heat. It was as hot and humid as it was in South Mississippi when I left. Needless to say we were all pretty surprised to be wearing shorts, t-shirts, and flip-flops (or slippahs, if you're so inclined), and actually sweating. We were assured by the locals that we would get our fair share of frigid temperatures and would be begging for the heat by the time it was all over. We were told that November and December would chill us to the bone, it was sworn up and down that January would leave us bundled up in warm clothes like Randy in "A Christmas Story". I must say that thus far, I am thoroughly unimpressed. Sure, we had some cold nights; it dipped below freezing a few times, but so did the temperature in South Mississippi. When I brought this up with those locals who originally promised Arctic weather, they talked of an unholy cold that settles upon the city of London every year; words like "icy", and "frost" were evoked. This deep freeze, I was warned, appears in that short but dreaded month of February. "I hate February. February is the coooooldest month of the year! Sometimes it is so cold it hurts to walk outside.", one of them stated. "You just wait until February; you'll get your cold weather.", another warned. I say:

Bollocks to that.

Above is a picture of me walking down Exhibition Road in London, on February 7, 2005. As you can see, I am wearing shorts and a t-shirt (if they weren't falling apart I would have worn my flip-flops) and sweat is beginning to collect on my brow. You'll also notice that I am squinting due to the sunlight shining in my eyes. Where is the ice, where is the freezing rain and Arctic cold? Do I look like a man whose bones ache? I came over here with the expectation that we would be subject to lots of rain and lots of cold. Both have been in short supply. I may sound crazy for complaining about the lack of inclement weather, but I mean come on! I'm a big guy, I like cold weather when it should be cold and warm weather when it should be warm. We are a little over a week into the "coooooldest month of the year" and I am only wearing long pants because three days of shorts has drained my supply. Yesterday the temperature was over 50 degrees Fahrenheit, and today it is supposed to be just below that. I was lied to. Bring on the icy chill of my birthmonth!